This is my apology.
I am beyond sorry, for the hurt, that my mistakes, in life, have caused to others. The list of people I have wounded with my words, or more likely my actions, is a long one. I know my mistakes, I know who I have hurt. People tend to have no problem letting you know when you have hurt them. Yet people have a lot of problems admitting their mistakes and apologizing.
That is human nature. People do not like to admit their mistakes because it tarnishes their character. If society has taught us all one thing – it is that all you have is your reputation. People would rather hide their mistakes, or excuse them away, or blame them on other people. Admitting you acted wrong, or spoke wrong, or did wrong, is not easy for many people. Saying I am sorry and truly meaning it, truly understanding what you are sorry for, is not an easy thing to do. I think this is why the culture of Victimhood is so popular right now.
Victimhood allows you to claim a status of perpetual innocence. A free pass. It will never be your fault you act the way you do – because you are a victim.
I reject Victimhood.
The man that molested me as a child, I could blame for all my actions, but I don’t. The father that rejected his duties as a father and abandoned his children, I could blame for all my actions, but I don’t. The mother that drank and put her own needs above her children’s needs, I could blame for all my actions, but I don’t. A family full of mental health issues, a family full of addictions, and secrets and lies, I could blame for all my actions, but I don’t.
Friends and lovers that lied and betrayed me, I could blame for all my actions, but I don’t. The man that almost raped me as a teenager, I could blame for all my actions, but don’t. The drugs and alcohol I consumed to mask the pain, I could blame, but I don’t. The depressions I sunk into at various stages of my life, I could blame, but I don’t. The boyfriend that cheated, and gave me Chlamydia at 18, I could blame for my actions, but I don’t. The husband that cheated on me, I could blame for my actions, but I don’t. The men that I financially supported and made me feel used, I could blame, but I don’t.
The actions I have taken in my life are mine to own. Mine alone.
When I was a shoplifter as a child, that was my own actions. Stealing that My Little Pony wasn’t exactly Mob level criminality. When I lied about it to my mom, that was my own actions. When I stole that thing that was my own actions. When I skipped school, when I stole alcohol out my parents cabinet, when I smoked their nicked cigarettes – all my choices. When I had sex too young, when I smoked marijuana as a teenager and dropped Acid at age 15, those were my decisions. When I drove without a licence, and took out my mom’s car for joy rides. When I cheated on my boyfriend to end our relationship… I could have excused it all as me being a lost child. But I didn’t.
As an adult, when I had sex with who ever I wanted to, regardless of who it emotionally hurt, that was my actions. I emotionally hurt people. Willingly. I never attempted to justify it. I never said I was a victim. I have always owned my part. Owned my actions and my words.
I think I have apologized in a few posts, for my selfish actions, my words, my mistakes, for the emotional hurt I have caused individuals. I know I am aware of my foibles. I have cheated in relationships. I have lied to cover those cheating actions. I have emotionally hurt those that trusted in me in those relationships. I have willingly been the other woman and helped others cheat in their relationships, and lied to cover my actions and theirs.
I have emotionally hurt people. I live with the consequences of those actions.
I have often stated that I am a monster because of that. I am.
How can someone that says they are regret-less, claim to feel guilt to apologize?
Nice question. Quite simply, because I forgive myself.
Yes, I forgive myself.
I am very much a person that would rather regret something she did do, and reconcile myself with it. I don’t want to find myself on my death bed wishing I had done something, regretting not doing it.
I have spent my life living it on that edge. I have been damaged since I was young, nurture not nature kids, and my social skills combined with severe social anxiety. As I grew I discovered things about humanity, not just about myself, but about the inherent conditions of humanity. I made endless mistakes and bad choices, and suffered the punishment of them.
No mercy without misery.
I learned early on, people never really forgive you. They use your mistakes to hammer you down, no matter how much you repent. Therefore – you need to forgive yourself, to be able to live on in your own inner peace.
When I died in a car accident in 1992. I was 19. I was doing 80km on a highway, when I crossed the line and hit another car doing 80km – driver side to driver side impact. I was crushed and embedded into the car.
I died.
I had an experience. It wasn’t the typical bright light and heavenly journey that you are told about. It was pitch blackness. It was like floating, inside an endless void of blackness, yet surrounded, like a giant warm hug, tightly held. It was noise, not overbearing or painful, but billions of voices, murmuring in a white noise that went on forever. It was unnerving but not something I feared. It felt like… home. Then a voice. Clear as anything. My voice, but not me. Asked me, if I knew my purpose. I said, I did not.
A conversation was had.
Then I heard a heart beat, thumping my ears, as I was told, by the voice – find your purpose. The next thing I knew a female police officer in the passenger side of my car was asking me – who I was, and if I knew what day it was – and she was telling me it was gonna be all right.
But it wasn’t.
Whatever it was that I experienced – it was real. Real to me.
I relearned to live, as I relearned to walk.
In my second life.
Problem is, I had a damaged system. My programming was buggered with bad code. So I built ‘me 2.0’ out of very corrupted programming. How could I win? That is like building a skyscraper on hidden sink holes. Bound to collapse. Bound to fail. Planned obsolescence.
That was my existence for a long time. I was a train wreck, and instead of repairing, I just plowed along making more train wrecks. I had no fear of failing. Before I died, even then. Before I bargained. I was already a disaster. I was made a monster. And I decided to remain one.
For most intents and purposes – I am one still. I am selfish. Just the 3.0 version of me, is a lot less emotionally destructive, motherhood mellowed me out.
I have emotionally hurt a lot of people in my life, and some of which I have reflected on or will reflect on in this website. A couple of days ago, I went into my emails from April to May 2006. I read what was said between K and I – it was a punch to the gut. I cried. I had forgot some of the details, and just who all was involved. I forgot how much I emotionally hurt people. I am not being silly when I say I am a monster. I have never denied my damage. I am just not the kind of monster you imagine.
I have always did what I did, and done what I have done, for my own selfish reasons, in most of my life. I would say it is human nature – human beings are inherently selfish beings. That’s what I know. As much as I tried to live my life being direct, honest and real, I still hid the things I did, that I knew were morally objectionable, morally wrong.
I survive and live with myself, because I can I forgive myself for that past. Not because I am a victim. No. I forgive myself because no one is perfect. We are all flawed beings. I don’t even think I am flawed that badly, comparably there are way worse beings than me out there. Way, way worse.
Yet, still I offer apologies for my actions or words, for the things I do that emotionally hurt others. I offer the apologies and I never expect to be forgiven.
I know, in the end, it isn’t about other people forgiving me.
I am the one that has to live with me, with my actions and my words.
People have hurt me, with their actions, their words. The saying – hurt people hurt people – is very true.
It isn’t an excuse. My learned behaviours, they are a product of my life. (Just as yours are yours.) I have changed some of my bad behaviours, some I have merely honed my skills at. I forgive my sins. I forgive those that have harmed me, for the demons that live in them are theirs to console.
Just as the demon in me, is mine to console.
I do not expect the world to forgive me. Their forgiveness of me – if they have it – is for them.
I offer my apology to all the people I have wronged, emotionally harmed or emotionally hurt, in hope that they can heal. If that healing begins with them forgiving me, for what I have done to them. Not for me. But for them, for them to heal. Their wounds need that salve of forgiveness.
You understand, you can forgive and still never forget. You can let go of the pain, inside you, inside those memories, and move forward without that burden. Time heals, and I hope those I have most injured have healed and moved on. But their journey, your journey – is yours and yours alone.
I say I am sorry. Daily. To my inner being. I am a bad person, living a good life. I forgive myself. Daily.
And when this fragile fallible body ages out, and I die again… this monster inside me is ready.
This is my apology.
Uploaded February 5, 2022