A light that never goes out…

There Is A light That Never Goes Out… is a title of a very favourite song of mine, that is since my teen days, performed by The Smiths.


June 29, 2006

In 2006 – on June 29th – it was Matthew Good‘s 35th birthday. I was chatting online with Daniel Regelbrugge. I mentioned his name before, but for those that didn’t know he is a writer, and was in the military and in 2006 he was one of the many other authors that wrote content on MatthewGood.org.

Daniel and I had an online friendship, and often discussed all matters of life. He contacted me that day because he was concerned about Matt’s mental state, and we were concerned he was suicidal. Daniel had called Matthew from his station in Europe – and after the call, we were chatting that evening, and Daniel asked me to phone Matt to just check on him.

I did phone, and left a voicemail just saying I wanted to wish him a Happy Birthday over the phone instead of just the email I had sent. This chat shows how much people cared about MG’s mental health, even me – someone pissed off at him at that point in time. Well, heck I am always pissed off at him. He has a way of pissing off people.

For context, I had created a blogger template design for Daniel’s web blog, at Daniel’s request – for free because I enjoyed designing. Matthew Good decided to do it for Daniel instead. We are discussing that at the start of this screenshot.

The last screenshot, Daniel and I are talking about how frustrating Matthew Good is. I am talking about regretting having sex with Matt that one night in May 2006. How we just need to be friends, but that was never easy with Matt, as he always asked for sex eventually during a friendship.

As well, by June 2006 I was seeing Rod Black (Jet Black Stare) – again. I knew there was no relationship future with Rod either, as sweet as it was for Daniel to suggest. Oh I love Rod, we’ve known each other since 1998, it’s a love you have for someone with that kind of history. We have always agreed we are better as just casual lovers and friends and that was/is how it was/is with us. Even to this day.


Lights

In the chat with Daniel, at the 11:27PM section, I had showed him this email I had sent to MG for his birthday. I meant every word. I called Matthew my light.

A few months later, in 2006, Matthew Good would collapse in the spare room of his parent’s townhouse, after overdosing on Ativan in the shower. He spent time in a hospital and was finally diagnosed as Type 2 Bi-Polar and began treatment. He wrote the album Hospital Music.

He was very public about these events and how it defined him and his musical work.


October 9, 2021

Fast forward to October 2021, and I am being Matt’s friend, and he is pretty down. He texts me after midnight to see what I am doing, as he needs a friend to talk with.

We exchange some deep texts, as you see by the sample below, in which he describes me as being a light to him all these years. I reciprocate.

He was always that sorta what-if in my life – but I truly do have a hard time believing I was his or even on his mind ever. It was still nice to hear in any case.

Frankly, to deep dive here, I never wanted fame. I was happy being a secret in his life in 1999, and when I say he was always a what-if in my life, I mean it more in that I wonder what my life would be like if I had wanted more and pressed for more. I think that what-if thought is common in human nature. I think that what-if about a handful of the people I have loved not just him.

And all that makes it all the more harder to understand why the man would now assume I was pretending to be his friend.

When I have continually forgiven him for being an utter piece of shit to me and others, over and over again, over the better part of these last 24 years.

I suppose we both have massive trust issues but still, it hurt when he accused me of that on February 4th, 2022. I don’t think it is fair of him to say I used him. Or that I interjected myself into his story, when he had been such a big underlying force in my story, during certain phases of my life. He is a part of my life’s story. Whether he accepts that reality or not.

Today is my birthday, March 4th 2022. I am now 49.

Rod Black phoned me and sang me happy birthday today, some lights never go out.


Uploaded March 4, 2022 Edited February 17, 2023